Feeling My Way Through a Global Pandemic.

The collective feeling of grief has hit hard and swift these last few weeks, and I know that I have been feeling weighty and agitated with all that's going on. Life seemed to be sliding along, and now it feels at a standstill. While many are using this time to get things done, I think many more are feeling like me and having a hard time conjuring up anything that looks like productivity. I don't have anything that particularly requires my attention.

Honestly, I don't even have much to say outside of "I have a lot of feelings."

I'm afraid that people are so desperate to get things "back to normal" that they won't fight for the protection of the people most affected and on the front lines of this pandemic. I'm concerned that small businesses will be left to fend for themselves so that our streets will be filled even more so with the likes of mattress stores and chain restaurants. I'm worried that those that we relied on the most during this time will be quickly forgotten and still seen as "unskilled labor." I have anxiety over being able to pay my bills, but the depth feels more profound for those around me that I know have been much less fortunate through this. I'm nervous that our already crumbling small farmers aren't going to be able to recover, and consolidation to larger formats continues to cause a ripple effect through food systems around the country and world.

I know that things will never be the same again. I have no idea how this is all going to play out in the end, but I know that we are changed.

We've used technology to connect like never before, and that means more people than ever can work from home despite limitations like disability or lack of childcare. We genuinely know how our personal actions can have an immense effect on those around us. We plainly see how our systems are incredibly broken and have the time to course-correct to make sure those most vulnerable have the foundation needed to survive and thrive. The position we are in will give way to better, more efficient systems, and those we previously took for granted deserve a higher priority because we value them and what they have to offer. We see that restaurants, bars, cheese shops, butchers, and a multitude of other small businesses add culture and flavor to the fabric of a city, and without it, our lives are pale. We've turned to art, music, and creativity to fuel our days and comfort us through our grief. We feel more connected to our land and feel the need to plant gardens while also returning to hands-on activities like bread baking. We understand how time-consuming these projects are and feel gratitude to the farmers and makers that spend their lives in these pursuits. Our need for connection breaks all bounds, and we find ways to unite even when we can't see each other face to face.

Yes, I have a lot of feelings. Feelings of fear, anxiety, and scarcity but also hope, connection, and desire. These things can and do live within me, side by side; how I interact with those things makes the difference. I strongly feel that if we see beyond the fear, we will come out of this balanced and with a more level playing field for all.

How are YOU feeling? I want to know ALL your feelings.